Mop-Up RAW 12.18.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Scenes from the Rantsylvania Delphi Forum:
I read him a few times, thought he was a lousy writer with a weird sense of humor, and proceeded to ignore him for the most part. Scott Keith... the most boring writer alive
I think Chris Hyatte is slightly retarded. Michael Shannon (TERRALTHRA)... this coming from a man who suggested that Black people can get their skin color changed if they didn't like getting hassled by the Law.
And I bet people thought John Wayne Gacy was a funny person as well, and not evil incarnate. We don't like Hyatte and find his racist, homophobic asshole persona offensive and have found how Scott and Hyatte himself have fu**ed up when it comes to dealing with the fallout such a major thing. Hyatte for refusing to even TRY to be diplomatic about his arrival and trying to not add to the list of people who he has pissed off and Scott for his suddenly turning into Rick Scaia and becoming utterly apathetic about the backlash... Jesse Baker (JESSEBAKER)... spazzcase... as if I am interested in making friends with bitter Delphi posters.
Gacy never wrote for Scoops, though. Don Becker... former nwwwo writer. HAW
But portraying an asshole in print doesn't make Chris Hyatte funny, and it doesn't make him interesting: it makes him faker than the events that he's writing about. That's why Hyatte won't have as long of a shelf-life as some of the other net-writers. J Mann... unaware that he just made the dumbest, most ridiculous statement EVER on a Delphi Forum.
you know how I know you would not last 5 min in real radio? statements like that. It's sad that a person has to stay in his gimmick all the time to get noticed. If it's not a gimmick...I feel bad for you. You are a sad poor person to be pityed Dok Doyle... pitying radio DJ, making damn sure that The Backstreet Boys get airplay in Bumblephuk, Nebraska.
(We RS) loyalists were sold out to a low-rent bigot and blackmailer for the price of a few web hits. Be proud. EVWILL1... rage, brother, rage against the machine
I've never even managed to completely read before getting bored. His humor does not appeal to me and his writing skills are average at best. As far as I am concerned, there is no reason to read the Mop-Ups when CRZ is around. El Muerte de Pepe (No not Morty damnit!)... yes, because we are SO much alike... except I'm funny... AND get paid. Ironically, I couldn't even manage to pronounce this guy's name before getting bored.
I liked the show before. I'd like it more with a different co-host. It upsets me that both Greg and Scott seem to have judged RATINGS as being more important than other principles, like not using co-hosts who have acted pretty reprehensibly in the past. I'm sure that there are a lot of things that could boost RATINGS that you'd choose not to do, b/c of other, higher principles involved. Using Hyatte should be one of them.
...the tactics he's used in print are the ones you're relying on for him to draw ratings, and they're base, juvenile, offensive and regrettable... he's the same person who has done the shitty things before, and for that reason he shouldn't even be considered for something you'd want on your website, *even if* he's completely changed since then.
.. But I think Hyatte's a gutter punk, and I fear that he could drag down the rest of the site with him.
Quaker World Order (TOMTOMORROW)... who first assured everyone that this was not personal... and who also posted a list of some of my recent Mop-Up quotes... which pissed people off MORE because many of them probably laughed despite themselves.... so thanks for the promotion, Tom Tomorrow!
FINALLY
I think I'm in love. But, if I can be serious for a minute, even though I haven't read any of your stuff(yet), I am impressed by the force of your personality, and the fact that you have actually caused some discussion here on this board Bethany Frost (BLOSSOM77)... a girl... no WONDER these fanboys were pissed off, as soon as I show up, I seduce their babes. Actually, wouldn't that make me more like Ted Bundy than JW Gacy?
Am I the only one to find these people hilarious? The level of SERIOUSNESS they take things.
My favorites are the guys who say that they've read one or two Mop-Ups... found them to be terrible, haven't been back since, and think their opinions of me have ANY MERIT WHATSOEVER. I've done 148 Mop-Ups... and these "geniuses" feel qualified to chime in after skimming through 2 or 3. You stupid, ignorant, ridiculous cockf-ers.
Oh hey, I'm the Gutter Punk, by the way... and that's a fine piece of chicken.
Big shout outs to "Matistic" and "Scott Williams" for being the only two posters with the balls to speak up for me on that Forum. It's really a fascinating study in jealous reactions. Or, maybe I do suck. Who knows.
The show in question is, of course, The Edge, which I now co-host along with Greg Dillard every Tuesday, (or Wednesday)... this week, we have Sheldon Goldberg (who?) and a special "surprise" guest. I will be respectful, and ask questions that I hope are different and challenging, BUT... unlike all the other shows out there, I also want to have some fun and show that it's not all life and death here.
This week's And Another Thing, is about the current state of the WWF. It's long, it's meaty, and it ambitious. Give it a whirl.
This week's Closer is what I hope various wrestlers and Internet jizzbags get under the tree on Monday. High offensive comedy designed to infuriate my critics, who shouldn't be reading but probably are, anyway. Gobble me, you pussies. You can only DREAM of possessing the skills I have.
Now, if you want a shorter version of the column, written from a different perspective... go check out Respect the Pussy. Dusty, (who gets MAJOR props for screaming about how I should get an online radio spot for a while and who probably inspired Greg to come to me), beat me to the punch with his own thesis. Of course, mine is better... but his is perfectly enjoyable AND logical too. One problem, he titled the column "WWF Lost The Monday Night War"... Dusty... DUSTY... the war is OVER... has been for over a YEAR now. Stop licking your hairy nuts and keep up with things.
By the way, I'll have the column What Would Jesus Do (in WCW) up on Christmas Eve. Rather fitting, y'think?
Don't forget about a1wrestling, too.
Okay... enough with the plugs... I have one topic I'd like to talk about, then we're off...
There is a guy who wrote for the Wrestling Uncensored board that posted Bob Ryder's phone number on one of his posts, and urged people to call. Now, whereEVER did he get THIS idea? Where have I seen THIS stunt pulled before?
Bob, of course, blew a gasket and threatened legal action. The site shut itself down for a while, went through some ownership upheavels, and had it's new owner post a "State of WU" address relaying the story and promising that changes will be made.
Apparently, the new owner, the Scots, said that he asked the writer to get rid of the phone number. The writer, for some silly reason, had problems with this. The writer, subsequently, was fired (with the unfortunate part being that he really is a talented writer) and WU went to work re-building itself into a more responsible web site (shouldn't they change their name then?) The end.
What's the moral of the story, here? Well, there are two, actually...
1) When I posted Bob's phone number, I did it on my ICQ account. Because I knew enough to PROTECT THE INTERESTS OF MY SITE... (Scoops, at the time). I was smart enough to keep my site relatively safe from all this. The result, Scoops stuck by me and told Bob, who was demanding that I be fired, to stick it. In short, if you are going to RIP ME OFF... at least be smart about it.
2) DON'T RIP ME OFF!!!!!! I AM MUCH SMARTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AT ALL TIMES!!!
I talked to the writer, named Sebollox, he knows he screwed up. He's a good writer, which is something WU badly needs. They should bring him back. Bob can't do anything about it... because if he could, I wouldn't still be online, now would I? WU is supposed to be the board with balls. I can see why they had to get rid of him for a TIME, but there is no reason why it should stay this way.
For the record, Sebollox has sworn up and down to me that he didn't know I did this first. I believe him. He also said that he scored Tony Schiavone's e-mail address and has this way-cool idea about what to do with it. *sigh*
Oh, and someone explain why Robert Berry is now on the Lethal board?
There, a nice set of openers dealing with people that most of you probably never knew existed. It's okay... that's why I'm here. To keep you abreasted (heh heh ha) with meaningless nonsense.
Speaking of which, shall we recap a Raw? Shall we examine and probe a Nitro? Is this the Christmas edition of the Mop-Up? Will I finally break down and wish you all Season's Greetings and Yuletide cheer? F-you... how can I have ANY holiday spirit. I SPENT THE WEEKEND LISTENING TO JEALOUS LITTLE TEENAGERS EXPLAIN HOW I AM THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO WRESTLING SINCE MADDEN!!! BAH HUM-F-ING-BUG!
F-You all...
RAW IS WAR: (or: Fake hair meets fake breasts )
-I tuned in late, so I don't know what happened before the opening theme. It's a safe bet that it involved a brief summary of last week's events played to some dramatic musical overture. I blame the first Die Hard film for starting this trend 12 years ago. I also blame Die Hard for inspiring thousands of policemen to combat terrorists with only a handgun, a tank top, no shoes, and a smirky sense of wit.
-opening theme. Isn't it time to insert a shot of Steve Regal's pasty body in there?
-Fans, fireworks, general hysteria. Just once, for a goof, wouldn't it be fun if the audience unified together and sat perfectly still during these opening moments? Not uttering a single word? Now THAT would be hilario....
-oh... wait... they do that at Nitro, every Monday.. HAW!!!!!!
-Jim Ross welcomes us to somewhere in South Carolina? I remember when I went south on Carolina once... ahhh... got far down there, I ended up swallowing a few eggs.
-You are a SAP if you have the Spanish version of the show. Do they still employ that guy who was found in a crack house a few years ago?
-WWF New York is opened for business and PACKED... oh look , I see Bobby Heenan waiting tables! GOOD FOR YOU, BRAIN!!! THANK GOD YOU KEPT YOUR BRIDGES UNTORCHED!!!
-oops, look carefully in the back and you can see Heenan drop his pad and start strangling some loser... I guess you can hear "Uhh, I'll have the Ham and Egger Salad", followed by insane giggling only so many times...
-More crowd shots, lots of signs, lots of silly, unimaginative, done-to-death already, signs. No one has any imagination anymore. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ONE, LITTLE "WHERE'S OWEN" SIGN??? COME ONNN, PEOPLE!!! WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT OF FUN???
-Things begin with the arrival of Vincent K. McMahon... who, I have to suspect, is more than a bit annoyed that he had to rush back on air like this... the man is trying to build an entire football league... DON'T YOU THINK THIS TAKES A LITTLE TIME?????
-man... I look at Vince and wonder... "How long before the XFL stars and the WWF stars have a massive tug-of-war on TV?"
-Does he ever where a tie?
-Vince stumbled into the ring slowly, giving JR the chance to run down many of the matches on tap for tonight. Ooo, and what a LINEUP! Grudge matches, payback matches, revenge matches, Grudgingly payable vengence matches! LIVE AND DEATH STRUGGLES BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL FOR THE RIGHTS TO OUR VERY SOULS!!!!!
-dammit, I miss Russo
-Vince enters the ring and gives Lillian Garcia a long, gruff, stare... cataloging her for future reference... Ross took noticed and refused to speculate, no doubt preparing himself for any and all future depositions. (I don't look at Lillian and immediately think "Free spirit"... I look at her and think, "Ooops, better chop her head off and dump the body afterwards!")
-Vince gets on the microphone and announces that he is "somewhat saddened, somewhat burdened" (ahh, I remember when I got my first grey pube... I thought I would never get over it... but you do... you live on... you SURVIVE!!!)
-He stated that his Wife was RUSHED to the Hospital and WWF Smackdown (her last words... "My, Hunter, is that a nose on your face or are you just happy to see m..OH DEAR!") and right now, for the benefit of his wife... as well as "ours" (so, anyone not married can watch Nitro?)
-Vince felt that his reaction to the news of Linda's thing may have been "misinterpreted" on the show... because his reaction was laughter... well, that wasn't the proper response, he admitted.
-Vince accuses US of poor reactions as well... laughing when we should have cried... crying when we should have laughed... struggling when I hop on top of you instead of just taking it like a good little girl...
-Vince's point was that he is NOT a meglomaniac, (didn't they sell out to Megloline?)... and he assured us that he was very, very saddened once he learned that Linda has suffered a "serious, serious Nervous Breakdown"... (ah... no wonder she left WWF.com to start a small personal site)
-Vince admits to taking SOME of the blame here, but some of the blame must ALSO go to Commissioner Mick Foley and his daughter, Stephanie for pushing Vince into demanding a Divorce. (That's right kids... YOU are to blame for your parents break-up... YOU... IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!! They didn't even WANT you! You ruined EVERYTHING!!)
-It's Stephanie's fault that Vince had to announce that Linda grew up poor... was a slut... and that he snagged her in the backseat of that 1969 Chevy Impala! (Wow... that means Vince didn't lose his cherry until he was... 23!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! HE'S A BIG A LOSER AS THE REST OF U...YOU.. THE REST OF YOU!!!!)
-Vince is NOT a Monster! (yeah, just ask any Canadian with the last name "Hart"). But it must be said that the OTHER person who must share some blame here is none other than... Linda! (I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW THAT LINDA LAVIN HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!!!! SHE USED TO BE SAD, SHE USED TO BE SHY!!! FUNNIEST THING, THE SADDEST PART WAS SHE NEVER KNEW WHY!!! HOMEWRECKER YOU!!! HOMEWRECKER!!!!)
-eh
-For, had Vince known just how fragile LINDA was (well geeze... kicking herself for nothing was her favorite sport!), he wouldn't have laid all this nonsense on her. Ross chided that they've been married for 34 years. Lawler said, "That's longer than I've been alive!" We hear rummaging noise as Ross dove under the table in case a lightening bolt came crashing down.
-Vince announced that he ordered his Lawyers to stop the Divorce proceedings until she is fully recovered...
-He also said that he had a special production all set to show everyone just how close they really were...
-still photos were run of the two in various stages... from these photos, we can say that...
-A: Vince always looked like his head was grafted onto a body three times too big
-B: Vince always wore ridiculous outfits.
-C: Vince and Linda oplayed a kinky sex game called, "Priest tempted by the Devil"
-D: Either that or a game called, "The Priest and Super Girl", and they invited Rey Mysterio to play along.
-E: Freddie Blassie once had an accident while playing Santa
-Back to Vince, Lawler was feigning tears... Ross asked if he needed a tissue.
-HHH's music played. Now Hunter is going to come out to rightfully shout, "YOU'RE TAKING ALL MY HEAT AWAY!!!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE HEEL... ME!! ME!!! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!"
-oops... no... it was Stephanie...with a pinched sneer on her face that damn well screamed, "K Kwick better give me some warning next time, or I'll spit it right back in his eye"
-Steph grabbed a mic. They traded facial expressions. I hope all Muslims switch over the Nitro... because HERE COMES THE HAM!!!!!!
-Off topic... do you really think Allah would CARE if you tried a single slice of bacon? It's delicious stuff! Crispy... greasy... naturally salty... it's very tasty! Go ahead... try one. I asked Allah... he's cool with it.
-Stephanie said that Vince's recent actions committed against his Wife... (ahh... must've gone nuts and went for the butt) is beyond disgusting. That Vince does not have a "heavy heart", but he has a "diseased heart".
-Steph called Linda a "classy, respected woman" and the way Vince portrayed her has been "deplorable, degrading, and de-ownright revolting"
-Stephanie is NOT "Daddy's little girl, anymore!"... she is JUST like her Mother!!! (and if she also inherited her Mother's "fetish"... we can count on several more generations of Samoans in the company this century)
-come on... YOU explain the Tonga Kid then.
-Stephanie, "When it comes right down to it... you are nothing but a mean... old... BASTARD!!" (Vince's eyes pop out of his skull... a look that hasn't been seen since Patterson sat him down 20 years ago and said, "Vince, there's something you should know about me..")
-Vince responded by saying that his hand was forced now and he has no choice but to talk about exactly what happened in the backseat of that '69 Impala... ("ImPALE-her"... heh)
-Vince, "I NEVER WANTED TO MARRY THAT BITCH!!!!! BUT I HAD TO MARRY HER, BECAUSE IF I HADN'T MARRIED HER, YOUR BROTHER SHANE, WOULD HAVE BEEN A BASTARD!!!!!" (My God... it's even worse... Vince was a Cherry until... TWENTY SEVEN???? Give this man a spot on Wrestleline... NOW!!!)
-This brings out Kurt Angle... Ross says that he has no business being there (I agree... he's an OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNING WRESTLER!!! WHY IS HE SCREWING AROUND WITH THIS FAKE CRAP??)
-Angle hits the ring and says that "enough is enough and it's time for a change!!" (oh, that A-HOLE!!!!)
-Angle is APPALLED at this drama... for one family member to be so CRUEL... so EVIL... so MONSTROUS... it pains him to even say this but...
-Turning to Stephanie... "I'M ASHAMED OF YOU!!!" (General confusion and obligatory mystification from the announcers followed)
-Kurt chasticed Stephanie for being so rude to her Father... stating that "Where I come from, boys and girls treat their parents with honor and respect!!"... (and the parents, in turn, treat them like freshly scraped-off-the-shoe, poo! I was 17 years old and my Father was still making me be in bed by ten pm... SEVENTEEN!!!!!!!)
-If Angle was Stephanie's father... and she treated HIM like that? He would have put her over his knee and given her a GOOD SPANKING!!! get that tush NICE AND PINK AND... WET... AND... AND... OH STEPHANIE... OH MY GOD...excusemeamomentgottahittheloo
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-okay... better. I don't care WHAT YOU say... Stephanie is totally doable
-AND didable
-AND willdoitagainable
-Angle said that talking to one's parents like common street thugs might be acceptable in places like South Carolina, but NOT where guys like him are from... and that is TRUE... that's true
-This brings out Mick Foley... and by my internal chronometer, the second hour has just arrived.
-Mick entered the ring and immediately swiped Vince's cane out of his hand. On the stick, he said that Vince doesn't need this because his injury is as fake as the emotional platitudes behind that photo display...
-Mick said that he was WRONG on Thursday night, when he called Vince "garbage"... because to call Vince "garbage" would be an insult to ACTUAL garbage! (Oh, I don't mind... no offense here)
-Mick said that Vince was "the lowest form of scum I've ever come across in my entire life!" ("come across" BWAHAHAHAHAAAA...homo)
-"Any Father who speaks to a child that way is SCUM, Vince McMahon, you DISGUST me!!" (child? That's a fully grown piece of lettuce there)
-Lawler, "SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE CHILD!!!" Although, he could've still been on the topic of marriage.
-Angle got involved and asked Mick if he was insinuating that Vince caused Linda to have a breakdown, and if he was... well, that was a load of BUNK!!!
-Angle wondered if maybe Linda's breakdown was caused from seeing Vince take a Stunner, a Rock Bottom, and a Last Ride all in one night?
-Or, maybe Linda had a breakdown due to seeing Mick Foley RAM that sock down Vince's throat?
-Plus, Mick isn't exactly Ward Cleaver, either! (Well, except that they are sometimes a bit too hard on the "beaver"....BOOYAA, YA BASTARDS!!). After all, doesn't Mick sometimes have his kids in the front row to see Daddy get beat up... sometimes annihilated! (Man does have a point, kids)
-Angle finishes by saying that he does not know who would marry someone like Mick Foley, but if he was Vince's wife... which he ISN'T... HE wouldn't want to be married to him either. He'd follow Mr. McMahon's lead and ask for a Divorce, too!
-Mick jumped all over the idea that Angle... oh F**K... LET'S WRAP THIS UP!!!!!
-Mick goofed on Angle's "if I was your wife" comment
-Mick said that he marry Kurt if he was his wife (huh??)... because he don't do chicks with receeding hairlines. (yeah, isn't that like... the WORST thing a Woman could have?)
-Mick doesn't marry whining, backstabbing, crybabies... (then Collette is an ANDROID!!)
-Mick isn't going to make Angle his "wife", (some WWF writer has been watching WAAAAY too much Oz)... but he IS going to make Angle defend the WWF championship!
-Angle wasn't impressed... he's been fighting some tough matches lately and came out on top, so he SCOFFS at Mick's threat!
-Mick says that he has a member of the WWF roster that Angle has NEVER taken on... a real tough guy... a real Bad Ass... a former WWF champion!!!!
-VINCE MCMAHON!!!!!
-Mick said it''ll be Kurt... it'll be Vince... it'll be for the WWF title... and it'll be right here in, whatever town they're in... oh, it all blurs together week after week...
-Mick left... hooting and hollering and Shatneresque distorted grimaces filled the ring. Ross wagered that Linda has a huge smile on her face right now, (Vince never wondered why they would need a full time pool boy, even when the pool was covered)
-commercials
-footage of what just happened...
-we see Stephanie go into a Limo and leave the area. How ironic that for once, SHE'S entering something long and black... usually it's the oth... oh, like I know.
-Matt Hardy tried to convince his brother Jeff that he had a chance against Benoit tonight. To his credit, he did it without cracking up.
-Chris Benoit came out. We see that Jeff Hardy scored an upset pin over him at Smackdown, They cut away before we could see Benoit mouth the words, "Jobbing out AGAIN??? I THOUGHT I LEFT THIS CRAP BACK IN ATLANTA?????
-Jeff Hardy came out. This will be for the IC title. He charged to the ring. Benoit threw him into the ropes and across, Hardy slid out of the ring, Benoit slid after him, Hardy slid back in and propelled his feet into Benoit's chest while using the ropes, he followed this with a Flying Plant-atcha, if I was Zimmerman, I'd say "scoop and a slam" right here.
-Back in the ring, Hardy looked at the crowd and asked for support. Benoit clobbered him from behind. Much like my cowardly neighbors while I grew up, the fans just watched... no one helped.
-Benoit with a snap suplex...
-Benoit with some chops... the fans screamed, "WHOOO"... he looked at them and spat, "ah grow up, you little homos"
-Benoit with a Flying Headbutt. Hardy kicked out of the pin attempt.
-Hardy took over a bit... just enough so he could jump off the top turnbuckle and slam into Benoit upside down, ass and back first
-Quickly after this, Benoit swooped out the Crossface, (my God, I AM a lousy writer), the little punk tapped out.
-I said it on the Edge... I'll say it here... and I'll probably dedicate a whole AAT to it one day... Benoit is on the path to Megastar levels... you can tell they are slowly building him up to something... they have a plan for him.
-Backstage, Vince and Kurt bitch about Mick Foley's machinations... Vince begins to fall in love with the idea of winning the WWF belt again. Kurt gets nervous.
-commercials
-Alyssa Milano is "Eva Savalot". How hot is her body? So hot that it makes you forget that she really is one of the worst actresses alive. I've seen strung out porn sluts with better range.
-Edge and Christian were pretending to debate over the career of Bronson Pinchot (it peaked during True Romance... then it went alllllll downhill). Kurt Angle stepped in. Christian dropped a little late 90's-Busta Rhymes-on him and asked "What the dilly-yo?" with Foley's bookmaking tactics.
-Kurt asked E & C to talk Foley into dropping this main event match. E & C said that they would. It was MUCH more "flava-full" then this recap would have you believe.
-JR and Lawler show us footage of Chyna getting a big piledriver by Val Venis and Ivory last week. JR says that "no one has delivered more Piledrivers than Lawler" (Orndorff? Swede Hanson? Ray Stevens? BOB SWEETAN??????)
-Oh... right... Lawler's 100 years old... JR's probably right.
-We see Chyna get rolled into an MRI tube for a neck x-ray. Finally, someone OTHER than me is wondering how a woman can have an "Adam's Apple". NOW WE'LL GET SOME ANSWERS, BY GOD!!!
-Michael Cole talks to a distraught Billy Gunn. Gunn promises to enact revenge on behalf of Chyna and all his little "Onesters".
-Elsewhere... Mick and Debra were reading aloud from Mick's Christmas book. (well, what SHOULD they be reading? The Buzz on Professional Wrestling?) Mick congratulated Debra on her reading skills.
-E & C enter the scene by playing Foley's theme music on a kazoo. Mick sings along. Edge says, "Mick, Debra, Beauty and the Beast!" Then said "No offense, Debra!" High fives all around.
-Christian said he just finished Foley's book and it was GREAT... Mick asked which was his favorite part. Christian couldn't answer. If he had any BALLS... he would have said "the naked Elf!!!"... but Lord knows, even though he runs around a ring half naked touching, feeling, and rubbing other half naked men... saying that he liked the naked Elf would make him look GAY!!!
-E & C told Mick to call the match off, because we've seen Vince get his ass whupped waaaay too many times already. (and yet that damn hair NEVER BUDGES!!!!!!!)
-Mick said that the match will proceed as scheduled. E & C demanded to be taken seriously! Mick laughed harder. Edge got so mad he overturned Foley's card table.
-Mick then got serious and said fine... they can take on the Rock and the Undertaker tonight!! That shut the two kids up, quite nicely.
-commercials
-The Dudley Boys came out.
-Billy Gunn came out after them, because his theme music is JUST THAT GOOD!!!! (Think Sammy Hagar during his For*Unlawful*Carnal*Knowledge/Balance days with Van Halen... now add helium... now cut off whatever testosterone Sammy may have had during that time... mix gingerly.)
-The RTC came out... the Dudleys/Gunn team attacked on the ramp... it was on
-The only thing worth noting here was that there was nothing really worth noting. Steven Richards hit Gunn with a Superkick. Val eventually hit The One with a Fisherman's Suplex and scored the pin. Billy Gee (that kid is NOT my son) failed to get any reasonable amount of payback... I cannot believe that I used three different names for the same guy here.
-Angle tried to talk to E & C... E & C were pissed, and ignored him. Much like the TV show M*A*S*H, the comedy quickly turns deadly serious.
-Meanwhile, The Undertaker is swinging at nothing, then he noticed the camera was on and stopped (BUSTED!!!!!). He proceeded to walk.
-He met up with the Rock. They stared at each other, nodded silently, then they both started to walk. Whether they know it or not, they just perfectly re-enacted something the gay community calls an "SUAF" ("Shut Up And F**K")
-commercials. Jesse says that Vince Lombardi would probably prefer the XFL over the NFL. Does he have ANY shot at getting re-elected?
-Vince is in a tank top and has a bottle of baby oil in his hand. He tries to sell Angle on laying down and letting him win the strap. Angle asks Vince if he's "freaking nuts". Vince reminds Kurt that he's NOT in the Olympics anymore, that he's in the WWF, and that his Boss is a Billionaire. Kurt responds that Vince doesn't have any Olympic Gold medals and he won't have the WWF belt either. Angle walks away. I don't care how good he looks, a 54 year old man has no business wearing a tank top and holding a tube of baby oil.
-Edge and Christian come to the ring. Welcome to the second hour. There is no horseplay here.
-The Undertaker ROARS out on his bike. Limp Bizcut plays. UT is wearing a snow cap... which is all the rage these days. Tommy Lee wore one as he took MTV on a tour of his house for their Cribs show. I only mention this because...
-1) It was laughable how pathetic Lee sounded as he tried to act 23 years old by saying, "Yo man, this rocking chair is OFF THE HOOK", "Come check out dis PHAT studio!"
-2) Then Lee, who is a recovering alcoholic, bragged about how he has a fully stocked bar in his studio.
-Rocky comes out. We see that "People" magazine has called Rocky "One of the 25 Most Intriquing People of the Year" (Yeah well, they once put Jenny McCarthy in there too... the most annoying mutt there is... so don't be too impressed)
-Oops... this just in... WCW announced that Scott Steiner was the 26th MIPOTY, so he barely missed the cut. Poor bastards, they can NEVER catch a break.
-for the record, I checked, I am the 15,345,987th Most Intriguing Person of the Year. Just edging out Malcom Jamal Warner.
-How will E & C escape this mess? One wonders.
-Rock and UT take early control. UT beat the EVERLOVING SHIT out of the kids.
-UT with a FLYING DDT. HOW CAN YOU DISLIKE THE GUY???? TEN YEARS IN THE BUSINESS... A MAJOR STAR BY ANY STANDARDS... AND HE STILL MAKES UP NEW MOVES!!!! WHEN WAS THE LAST MOVE KEVIN NASH MADE UP???? WELL, OTHER THAN KISSING UP TO DDP TO GET SOME BISCHOFF LOVE???
-Rocky gets in there and takes a Spear. He rolls around, grimacing in pain... the man has the whitest teeth in all of wrestling.
-Rocky eats some PAIN!!!! (sheesh)
-UT is tagged in in one of those dramatic "Made-The-Tag-Just-Seconds-Before-Heel-Reaches-Him" moments that must be scripture because IT OCCURS IN EVERY TAG TEAM MATCH THERE EVER WAS, EVER IS, AND EVER WILL BE!!!!!!
-UT throws Christian out of the ring as Rocky and Edge go at it near the Announcers
-Christian rolls back in and quickly gets the "Last Ride"... there is no Referee for the pin.
-Edge hits the UT with a tag belt. UT goes down
-Ref is backed in. Christian rolls on top of UT. UT kicks out.
-Edge jumps on UT's back and locks in the Sleeper Hold. UT falls back hard and splatters him.
-Rocky is tagged... deals with Christian, gives Edge the Rock Bottom... gives Edge the People's Elbow... gets the pin. We have new tag team champs.
-People revel in the victory... I smell a HHH/Rikishi team on the horizon!!!
-commercials
-Moments ago... oh, just look up HALF AN INCH
-Lawler tells Ross to get him a pair of "Lugz" for Christmas. Ross tells Lawler to get him the rest of his smile. Lawler is noticeably flustered, and awkwardly finishes his Lugz plug. Talk about a bummer.
-Vince barges in on Foley and snips that he'll show him up tonight by winning the title. Foley laughs at him. Vince slaps him across the face and leaves. Mick invites him to do that again later on. Sorry, but Mick ended up looking like a punk.
-commercials
-Vince is in his dressing room, admiring his arm. He looks so... ODD.
-Y2J comes out. No mic time, it's right to business.
-Perry Saturn comes out with Terri Runnels. We see how this is only time filler for when Eddie gets back from his hamstring injury.
-The bell rang and it got going. Lawler says that Saturn reminds him of an old school teacher he had... she lost control of her PUPILS!!!
-the notable thing about this match was the blown spot that damn near broke Jericho's neck. He went into the ropes and hopped to the second one. He jumped backwards for a moonsault. Saturn was too close, so he caught Jericho and fell back, but Jericho was sort of sticking outwards... basically, it looked like an inverted "Brain Buster". Saturn protected Jericho's head as best he could, and it worked, Jericho popped back up and resumed his business.
-Unless this was total improvisation by Jericho and he didn't call the spot, it was Saturn's fault. He was out of position.
-They fought a little bit more, then Jericho put Saturn in the "Walls of Jericho". Saturn tapped.
-Terri did NOT like this... so she slapped Jericho across the face. Jericho stalked her, then grabbed her by the back of the head... then RAMMED HIS TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT... YEAH, GIVE 'ER A LITTLE RUFF & READY YOU HALF A FAG, YOU!!!!
-no... he just put her in the WoJ. Malenko charges, and gets clobbered.
-Benoit comes out, clearly muttering, "all I do is bail this gloms out... what the F**k?". Jericho gets a Saturn DVD, Malenko puts him in the Texas Cloverleaf, and Benoit does the Flying Headbutt.
-Backstage, Trish Stratus walks in on Vince McMahon and professes to admire the way he's taking charge. Vince slowly moves in closer, delicately picks up a locket of her hair, and softly growls, "something I do real well is... take charGGe", emphasizing the "GG" part and puckering his lips. Trish wishes him well, Vince growls the same... Trish flashes her brilliant smile and walks. Vince goes back to wiping himself down with "baby oil", Ross groans.
-There is nothing that was NOT 100% Grade A, prime, absolutely, hairs-on-the-back-of-neck, balls crawling inside, douchechill inducing, icky POOH POO, CREEP-YER-ASS-OUT, GROSS ABOUT THAT SCENE!! Oh man... it was like the world's worst porno.
-Ross had a mini-fit at the site of Austin's shadow. Unless it was GOLDBERG!!!! THEN ROSS WOULD LOOK LIKE A DAMN FOOL!!! WOULDN'T HE?
-yes he would, but it's a moot point.
-Jacqueline establishes herself as a "Jacolyte" by snapping at Bradshaw and Faarooq to give her a beer and a cigar. She barely sips the beer and the cigar never did get lit... but she assured the boys that she'll handle Trish as long as they handle T & A. As far as fits go, we've seen worse.
-William Regal comes out, all grins. He grabs the mic and tells the "good people of Greenville" that he is there "on behalf of all of them!"
-He calls "Stone Cold" Steve Austin a THREAT to the WWF, a man who assaults men like him, and good will in general. He is there to put a stop to people like Austin, people who "besmirch" himself and the audience. Regal insisted... nay... DEMANDS... that Austin come out there and...
-Austin comes out. Ross, "Well, IF YOU DEMAND, YOU RECEIVE IN THE WWF!!!" (*COUGHJARRETTCOUGH*)
-Austin starts swinging. Early Lou Thesz Press...
-Austin places Regal on the second ropes, jumps and sits on him. Regal pops up. Austin sets him up and gives him a poke in the eye. Regal throws Austin out of the ring... they tussle some more. Regal shoves Austin into the steel post... then pauses to wave and smile at the fans. Now THAT'S a gimmick, dammit!!!
-Regal gives Austin a Toe-Drop, then swings himself around and is about to slap on the STF... then remembers that fooling around with Steve-os neck is a NO-NO... anbd punches the bald prick in disgust... (Austin... not his penis. I punched MY bald prick in disgust... damn, flaccid thing)
-Austin has Regal in the corner and is punching away. The Ref gets too close. Austin pushes him away. Regal kicks him in the nuts.
-Regal throws Austin into the Ref... then gave Austin a Neckbreaker, (more like a "Break-The Back-Of-His-Own-Hander"... but why quibble?) and went for the pin. No Ref.
-Regal grabbed his Euro-belt and tried to use it. Austin kicked him and hgave him the Stunner. He pinned Regal. The ref got up and called for the bell. The Ref DQed Austin for... oh who knows. REGAL IS GETTING PUSHED!!! AUSTIN GAVE HIM A RUB!!!
-The Ref took a Stunner. Austin began his two packs of beer routine.
-of course... Austin and Regal used to room together in WCW... they go back.
-commercials
-Angle tries to reassure E & C that they'll get their belts back. Neither man was all that convinced.
-Trish brings out T & A. Will EVERY SINGLE McMahon romance involve Test, in some way? I'm just wondering?
-Jacqueline comes out with the Acolytes. The girls start rolling around in the ring. Ross screams, "TRISH HAS JACQUELINE IN THE MOUNT POSITION!!!" Lawler says, "WHAT???" Ross gets mad and snaps... "I'm not being sexual, it's an ATHLETIC TERM!!"
-Then Ross screamed, "Trish is riding Jacqueline like a WILD, HORNY LESBO BITCH!!!!!!" Lawler, "Athletic term?" Ross, "You bet!"
-I don't know... the match was the two girls mostly. The guys found themselves assuming tag team positions, but as soon as they were tagged, all four started brawling outside again... Jacolyte snapped a NICE DDT on Trish, an grabbed the pin. None of this did anything to take away the creepiness I felt off that Vince/Trish exchange from early on... oh, God... ick.
-Angle politely asks Debra to leave the area... then begs Foley to kill the match. Mick says no. There was much more to this, but when a show is 9 HOURS LONG... one gets sick of mowing through it.
-commercials
-at the WWF New York, Lita put on a bikini show for the screaming drunks.
-at the WWF backstage, Dean Malenko watched this... and wanted some
-Michael Cole caught Vince McMahon walking bowl legged out of his dressing room and tried to talk to him. Vince hinted that he has a surprise or two lined up for the Hoilday season.
-Angle was walking.
-Foley and Debra were watching. Foley declared that this was the "best decision he has ever made!" (Jesus... lay the Ironic foreshadowing on a bit THICKER, why don'cha?)
-commercials
-The 1996 return of Jake "The Snake" Roberts was featured as a "Royal Rumble Replay". Ahhh... poor guy.... poor fat, bloated... cracksmoking... guy.
-Mick Foley came out and asked Lillian Garcia to take this match off, he'll do the announcing.
-"Our first contesting... has a receeding hairline... has said that he wanted to be my wife... has two ears, both smaller than my missing one... and used to be... believe it or not... an Olympic Medalist. He is also..." wait a second, why am I doing Zimmerman?
-Angle comes out, muttering, "you sonafabitch!" He wasn't too happy.
-Foley introduced Vince as "a total idiot"... who's family worth is rumored to have more zeros in it than an Angle family reunion (HAW)... a horrible father, a terrible Husband... and a blah blah blah...
-Vince came out. Mick took a seat with the Announcers. Vince and Angle faced each other and stalled for time.
-They faced off for a minute. Vince pointed at Foley and vocally blamed him for everything happening.
-Kurt went to the ropes to add his two cents. Vince got behind him, wrapped his arms around his waist, and took him down. Vince popped up and yelled, "TWO POINTS... TWO POINTS!!!"
-Vince hopped ut of the ring, grabbed a mic, and said "First of all..." (AHH... That's where Nash got it from!!)
-Vince thanked Foley for this match, because it allowed Vince to get to take down and score full points from an Olympic Gold medalist... he... he...
-He was just stalling so he could attack Mick and start wailing on him. Kurt jumped out and attacked too. Mick got to sound off some of his classic grunts, "AAH TICK... AAAH TICK"
-They threw Mick in the ring. Foley fought back. He started to pound Vince in the corner...
-Mick held his own for a time... even pulled out Mr Socko...
-Angle hit Foley across the back with a chair...Foley went down... in his book, Foley said that he will never, NEVER go down to a single chairshot!!! Well Mick, you are a LIAR!!!!!!! LIAR!!!!!!!!!
-Mick stays down and blades himself. Edge and Christian come out and give him a "Conchairto"... Mick's really down... and bleeding nicely.
-Stephanie runs out screaming, "STOP!!! STOP!!!" (HAW!!! That brings back some good memories!!!)
-Steph hits the ring... she has papers with her. "STOP BEATING UP ON MICK FOLEY!!!"
-Steph says that she has documents from the WWF Board of Directors (what board? It's ALL VINCE!!!)
-The documents say that in lieu of Linda McMahon's mental incompetency, the Board of Directors have no choice but to turn Power of Attorney over to... Vince McMahon... giving Vince full control of the WWF again. Stephanie turns He... well, when was she ever really a Face?
-Vince gets on the stick and is all happy at his work. He announces that "Mr. McMahon is back"... and his first order of business is to inform Mick Foley that his services were no longer required...
-"Mick Foley, you bleeding hunk of adapost tissue, you're FIIIIREEEED*cough*"
-Hands are shook... people leave. Lawler, "What a night!" Ross, "What a night, MY ASS!!!"
-Halfway up the ramp, Vince turns around and hisses a "Merry Christmas" to Foley.
-WHERE IS AUSTIN????
-Ross announces that "none of us are safe" (well, speak for youreself dude... other than the fact that I'm more than likely going to Hell when I die, for the moment... I'm quite safe). Foley lied against the bottom ropes, bloody and overselling WAY too much.
-The show ends.
Well, there are a lot of possibilities here. Where does HHH fit in this? Where is Shane? Is the Corporation back? Where will Hogan fit into this? What about Nash? What does Sheldon Goldberg make of all this? How come nobody in the WWF have cool backstage fights like they do in WCW? AND WHY IS MADDEN STILL EMPLOYED???????
Speaking of WCW... while you are reading this sentence, I'm busy with Nitro in fast forward mode and recapping whatever is zipping by when I look up. Either in a few hours, or right now... you get to witness the result... lucky bastards... I wish I was you... I wish I got to experience what it's like to eagerly await a new Mop-Up each week. Wow... must be... wow.
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